Equanimity
by NamelessSaint
Summary: Elsa spends many years alone and is emotionally crippled by the experience. She longs to keep in touch with her sister, but doesn't know how until her father makes a decision that will change her life forever. Note: rated M for later chapters. Elsanna near the end of the story.
1. Prologe

The King paced back and forth in front of the Throne, wracked with a decision he appeared to be unable to make. Not known for prowess in letters or scholarly ambition, he was renown for a keen sense of military cunning, and knew that a strategically placed pawn could steer the tide of war. Isn't that what this was all about—a war to save his eldest from an eternal solitude that would certainly cripple her, and thus cripple the Kingdom?

"You're doing it again, aren't you?" The Queen entered the Throne Room and paused at the look her husband gave her.

The King threw his hand up in a familiar gesture. "I cannot allow this isolation to continue as it is. She'll die…"

"Everyone dies, my husband, it is the way of things." Her indifference was shocking.

"You've always loved Anna more, I know this. But you can't expect me to love one more than the other. They are my children, and I can't let this go on for one more minute."

The Queen raised her brow. "What will you do? Will you let Anna—?"

"Of course not." The King eyed his wife for a moment before turning away. "What is the name of the Royal Cook's daughter?"

"Her name is Adele…" The Queen tilted her head, regarding her husband severely. "You can't be serious about this?" When he failed to turn around she approached him. "What if Elsa hurts her?"

"Why so little faith in your own flesh and blood?"

"Perhaps we could persuade a troll…" She began, but was cut off.

"No, Elsa needs—human contact, my wife." He nodded, steadfast in that his decision was final. "It is settled then. Accompany me to the kitchens?" He extended his arm and the Queen dutifully took it.

As they exited the Throne room both failed to see a pair of rather young and perplexed eyes peeking out from behind the drapes. Anna frowned and pondered in her young heart all that she had heard, but was unable form the necessary connections. All she knew was that it involved Elsa, and thus her curiosity was piqued.

* * *

Adele watched as her father talked quietly with her mother in the corner of the castle kitchens. Her father gestured with his arms and hands. First pointing at her without looking in her direction, then throwing his arms out like he did when driving home a particular point of discussion.

The brunette sighed and turned back to slicing more potatoes. She knew the argument was about her and wondered what she had done wrong this time. Surely they were not still mad at her for accidently tripping Princess Anna yesterday. She stopped peeling the potato in her hand when the conversation stopped, and she slowly turned to her parents.

Adele's mother smiled and moved to her daughter. "How are you feeling tonight, dear?" She lightly brushed away stay strands of hair out of her child's eyes.

"Okay, mom."

Her parents exchanged glances, and her father smiled, as well. "So—everything went fine today? No accidents?"

Adele blew out a breath and rolled her eyes. "No, dad, nothing happened today, except school."

Her mother nodded. "That is great news. Adele, honey, did you feel comfortable while at the Royal Balls, when you attended to the Princesses?"

"Sure, mom."

The Cook raised his hands up to his chest. "I know we're asking a lot of you, Adele. But you are 17 now, and I'm sure you'll do just fine. Won't she, Alessia?"

"You haven't asked me anything," Adele stated.

Her mother spoke first. "We need you to take supper to the Princess Elsa tonight, dear. In fact, we need you to start taking supper to the Princess every night from now on, and stay awhile…"

Adele started to chuckle, but stopped at the serious looks on her parent's faces. "Seriously? Why do I have to stay and talk to her? Everyone says she had an accident and is creepy looking—you're going to make me do this, aren't you?"

Her father sighed. "I'm sorry—" His voice faltered for a moment. "Everything will be alright, Adele."

* * *

Elsa stood at her window and stared at the fjord beyond and the ships tethered at its harbor. Night was approaching, and the promise of a few stolen moments outside the castle when the stars descended excited her beyond belief. It was her secret; no one knew, not even her parents. Just a few more minutes and…

The quiet knock disquieting, disturbing an already fragile equilibrium. "Who…who is it?" Elsa's hand flew to her mouth, and then she crept to the door and pressed her ear to it. "Anna…?"

The resulting reply was unfamiliar. "No, Your Highness."

Elsa staggered backwards. "Who are you?"

"My name is Adele, mademoiselle—the cook's daughter. I've brought your supper." Adele shifted on her feet, as the tray was heavy.

Elsa's mouth hung open and she shook her head. This was completely different, unlike all the other days when her meals were unceremoniously left at the door, without disturbing her. "Just leave the tray and go, please."

"I can't do that, Your Highness."

Elsa grabbed the handle and pulled roughly. "I said just leave—" She stopped short at the appearance of a young woman around her own age, standing there, looking very uncomfortable. "What do you want?"

"Can I leave the tray on your desk, Princess Elsa? It's awfully heavy." Adele smiled as best as she could.

"Of course, excuse me for being abrupt." The Princess stood to the side and allowed the servant to enter her chambers and place her supper on her desk. She eyed the young woman, looking for any sign as to why she needed to be in her room.

As Adele moved slowly through the room the first thing she noticed was the chill; it was freezing. Not even the flames from the fireplace provided for any heat. The frost chilled her, yet, there was more to the chill than just the cold. The air was heavy with melancholy, as if no joy ever permeated these walls—as if any notion of happiness was forbidden and frowned upon.

She put the tray immediately on the desk and then hoped that was all that was required. "Do you need anything else, Princess?"

Elsa shook her head. "No, you may leave."

Adele nodded. "If you will excuse me, then." As she was leaving she heard Elsa's quiet voice.

"Wait."

Adele paused at the door, her hand already on the handle. "Yes, Your Highness?"

Elsa let out a cool breath. "Just…thank you, Adele."

"You are welcome." The door closed with a loud clang and Adele sighed heavily. If this was to be her daily task, it was not a bad as she had imagined. The princess wasn't creepy at all, in fact, she looked a little shattered and dejected. As if some sort of terrible burden lie on her shoulders.

* * *

Adele spared a final glance at the door before turning and heading down the corridor.

Anna passed the servant as she was heading towards her sister's room and they shared a polite glance and nod. She turned and watched as the girl rounded the corner and out of sight. A strange feeling stole over Anna at the moment, something both unfamiliar yet clear.

The princess paused at her sister's door and continued to stare in the wake of the departing servant. What was—she doing at Elsa's door? No one, except her or their parents, ever strode over to this door since she could remember.

She shrugged off the feeling—a queer sense of possession—and proceeded with her usual knock.

Silence.

Anna frowned and knocked again but as usual nothing happened. "Elsa?" Her frown deepened. "Elsa, I know you are in there."

The silence was eerie, and a slow icy frost crept over the door. Icy tendrils, coiling in and around the crevices, now stopped at the handle. The temperature caused Anna's hand to recoil.

She stepped back and stared, incredulously, at the tiny specks of frost on her hand. "What...? Elsa, please, it's only me. Wait! That didn't come out right. What I meant to say is—it's only me out here. No one else is around so…can you please just open up the door? Just this once?"

Anna waited, her hopes not yet dashed as in times past. But the door didn't open; neither was there a sound, as there was often before. The princess sighed. "Oh, Elsa, why can't you love me anymore? Can't you see how much I need you? "

Silence.

The younger princess leaned against the door and slid down until she landed on the floor. "I need you, sister. I have no one…" Hot tears slowly descended her freckled cheeks and the memories of the one so dear flooded her thoughts. "Please…"

But there was only silence.

* * *

**A/N:** _This is the prologue to a multi-chaptered story that will fill in gaps on what could have happened to Elsa in her years of isolation. Was she completely alone? Note: eventual **Elsanna**, but with a twist._


	2. The Beginning of the End

The hour was late; a waxing moon hung high in the sky and was not yet touched by the fog rolling from the fjord beyond. Great tufts of fog rolled in from the harbor and hung heavy in the air, creating a dampness that she didn't like. It was so different from the snow that she loved, which was dry and powdery, almost completely devoid of any apparent moisture or dew. This was simply—too wet.

Elsa stood at her window and contemplated many things in her heart. There was the matter of her parents' upcoming trip over the sea and she wondered just how she would manage without them. She paused at that, a new realization coming to the forefront of thoughts: her parents would be gone on her birthday, and that notion brought about another flaunting of her melancholy. An emotion she was all too used to feeling, but dreaded anyway.

Elsa was roused from her musings by a knock on her door. She glanced at the clock and realized supper was at hand. "Come in."

The girl Adele entered again, a familiar smile on her face. "Good evening, princess."

Elsa watched as Adele made her way over to her desk. She realized it would be too rude not to offer the young woman some type of conversation. "I want to thank you—for your kindness."

Adele glanced up. "What kindness, Your Highness?"

"I'm sure there must be other places you'd rather be." Elsa made her way over to her desk and lifted the napkin from her tray. "Lobscouse?"

"Yes, princess. One of your favourites?"

"Oh, yes." Elsa eyed the girl, wondering about her. "Well—thank you, Adele."

The other girl looked over to the dwindling fire. "Do you want me to stoke the fire, princess?"

Elsa drew her arms over her stomach. "No, it's alright."

"But you're cold, princess." She looked down on Elsa's gloves. "You're always wearing those things."

The princess took a step back. "I think you better leave."

Adele paused for only a moment, but it was enough to see the pained look on the princess's face before she slammed her stoic mask back on. "I'm sorry. Good-night, You Highness."

* * *

Elsa sank into her chair and held her head when the girl departed, her appetite suddenly gone. The temperature in the room fell, and ice crystals began to form on her mirror and the windows. Small tufts of snow percolated from the ceiling and slowly flitted about her.

She looked up and sighed, willing away the frost and her empty mood, to finally settle on thoughts of the girl who was now bringing her supper. Elsa picked at her food. It was not that she did not appreciate Adele's efforts, but it flew in face of the mantra that her parents had instilled into her from such an early age: limit what you do and who you see, hide your feelings. She wondered how she was supposed to do this if this girl insisted upon bringing her the evening meal—every day.

* * *

Anna stopped walking and paused at the entrance to the north wing. She heard humming up ahead and around the corner and immediately knew who it was. When the servant rounded the corner she stopped her with a look. "Excuse me."

"Yes, princess?" The annoyed tone was not lost on Adele.

"I want to know—why do I see you here? I mean, what are you doing?" Anna cringed, she wasn't making any sense and she knew it.

"I bring the evening meal to your sister, princess Anna."

"You do what?"

Adele looked down at her feet, unable to meet the hurt expression on Anna's face. "May I go, princess?"

Anna looked up. "Do you see her?"

"What?"

"Do you ever see my sister, Adele?" Anna nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Every day, princess." Adele wondered at all the questions, not knowing of Anna's dilemma.

Anna blanched, her face contorted by hurt and anger. "Really? I…" She had no words to express the myriad emotions warring within—shock, anger, sorrow. All these things settled into her heart. She had been separated from Elsa for years, and now the daughter of the castle cook was allowed to see her? Stunned, Anna abruptly turned away from Adele and fled into the night.

* * *

Anna burst into the Throne room, desperately looking for her parents. She darted through the many nobles who were about the room, conducting the business of the realm, and making the final preparations for the voyage in a few days, but they were not to be seen.

She stopped at the map table and recognized a certain older man. "Have you seen my father, my Lord?"

The older man removed his spectacles. "Yes, dear, he and your mother went to middag not too long ago. Perhaps—" The duke did not get a chance to finish as the princess immediately bolted from the room.

"What was that all about?" A noble looked up from the map.

"Just Princess Anna being, well, you know—Anna."

* * *

When Anna finally made it to the dining hall she was out of breath from her exertions. She startled her mother, who dropped her fork and jumped from her seat. Her father took one look at her and knew her heart's trouble.

The King stood up. "Anna, please listen to me…"

"Listen to you? Why should I? You've kept me from my sister all these years, saying it was for my own good—telling me that no one is allowed to spend time with her. And now, now this servant gets to see her!"

The Queen threw down her napkin and glared at her husband. "I told you something like this would happen!"

The tears streamed down Anna's face. "Why? Why can't I see my sister?"

"Because—you just can't do it, Anna." He could conduct the business of ruling Arendelle—and make the wisest of decisions, and discern the most inscrutable of documents. Yet, he felt powerless at this moment. Weakened by his resolve to keep her safe. "I can't allow it."

"I don't understand, father, what have I ever done to deserve this?"

"You have done nothing wrong, Anna," The Queen interjected. "We don't feel that it would be good for you at this point in time."

"At this point in time!" Anna wept. "What does that mean? You are not making any sense…"

"Enough!" Both the Queen and Anna turned to the King at his loud interjection. "This is not open to discussion, my daughter." His voice softened. "Look, dear, your mother and I are leaving in a few days—let's not have any trouble between us, okay?"

Anna wrung her hands, and words failed her as her father's entreaty echoed in her mind "Okay, I guess." Her tiny voice broke her mother's heart.

"My husband, surely we—" She stopped when she turned to face him and saw the look in his eyes. "Are we okay, my dear?"

Anna wiped at her nose with her sleeve. "Sure, mom, we're fine."

"Come to supper, Anna, we're having Lobscouse…" The King's eyes went wide when Anna's head snapped up.

"That's Elsa's favourite!" Anna fled the dining hall and didn't stop until she reached her room. She collapsed on her bed and wept bitter tears.

* * *

Adele sat with her parents in the castle kitchen and picked at her food. She wasn't hungry, as her earlier "conversation" with the princess Anna was weighing heavily on her heart, and it killed her appetite. Her father and mother were in an animated conversation, and appeared to be oblivious to her discomfort.

But after a short while her father looked up from his meal and glanced at his daughter. "Are you alright, Adele?"

"Leave her alone, Anbjørn."

"What am I doing? I'm just asking her a question."

Adele glanced between her parents and put her fork down. "Can you explain something to me?"

Her mother lightly touched her hand. "Can we talk after dinner, dear?"

"No—I want to know something now."

Her father sighed. "What is it, Adele?"

"Why am I taking dinner to the princess Elsa, father? Princess Anna is upset that I am, and I want to know why?"

"There are some things that we can't talk about."

Adele almost laughed. "Since when? You're always after me to talk about my problems."

"This is not a problem, dear." Her mother hastily chimed in.

"Hello, didn't you hear what I said? Princess Anna is annoyed with me; I know it. Can't you find someone else?"

Anbjørn shook his head. "No, we can't, dear. This was not our decision, but the King's."

Adele's determination deflated. "Oh." There was no point in inquiring further, as she knew that any decision made by the King was not open to question, or even discussion. "Thanks."

* * *

Elsa looked at the book in her hands and realized that she had been looking at the same page for quite some time. Frustrated, she tossed the book to the other end of the couch and stood, making her way over to her bathing chamber. The small antechamber was just off of her bedroom and held a deep stone sunk in bathing tub. Its circumference was large compared to the size of the room, and Elsa stepped over to it and turned the copper knobs, slowly filling the tub with much needed hot water. She pulled off her gloves and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was maturing, her body changing into that of a young woman.

When the water began to splash out of the tub she hastily removed her clothes and discarded them on the floor. Elsa slowly sank into the water, involuntarily letting out a moan as she did so. Her muscles were tight with anxiety. She closed her eyes and wondered why she was so tense. It was true, the arrival of the cook's daughter had unsettled her, being so used to the coterie of only her books most times. But it was more than that. She couldn't deny that a part of her was secretly elated for the company, but Adele was not Anna, that much was certain. And Elsa missed Anna more than anything else that had been denied to her.

Anna was more than a sister—she was best friend, playmate, a tender shoulder to cry on when scolded—and so much more. Elsa lowered her head and a quiet sob escaped her lips. Anna was everything and more. And now Anna was only a disembodied voice through the door, one that constantly pleaded with her to be let in, to reconnect.

Elsa wanted to let her in, but the stern face of her father always came to her mind's eye whenever she had the compulsion to finally open the door.

If only Adele was Anna… Elsa's eyes popped open and she sucked in a deep breath. She lifted her head and contemplated what she just thought. Perhaps, there was a way, a real way to communicate with her sister after all without violating her father's stern admonitions not to. What if she could talk to her sister through this cook's daughter? What about exchanging letters… Elsa sighed—no letters—letters could be intercepted, even if hidden well. She thought some more before finally smiling to herself. She had her outstanding spoken voice and her vocabulary was good.

Yes, she would talk to Adele every night and tell her stories that she could relate to Anna. She could tell her sister all about her life since the separation—she would tell Anna all about the books she read because she knew from her parents that Anna hated to read, of all the places her books allowed her to visit. She would ask Adele questions to ask her sister, and she would finally be able to really get to know her.

Elsa closed her eyes again and smiled some more. This felt right. It was something she could do without—her eyes snapped open again and she glanced at her gloves on the stone floor. But what about the magic, this was something that had been erased from Anna's memory. The air suddenly chilled, and the water in the tub began to lose its warmth. Elsa scrambled out of the tub and blinked. After several long breaths she was finally able to calm. The magic…her deepest secret, her only—flaw, as she saw it.

This needed to remain hidden, and never come to light. Could she do it—this revelation of herself to her sister without divulging her truest self?

Even though her parents had, over the years, kept her informed on what her sister was like and what she was doing, Elsa had the feeling that they did not tell her everything. Just as Anna would get to know her, she would get to know Anna, as well.

Elsa considered everything and knew in her heart that this is what she wanted—no, needed—to do.

* * *

**A/N:** _ Thank you for your patience here at the beginning, as I needed to establish a few things before the true heart of the story begins...Please read and review! I appreciate all feedback. _


End file.
